When to walk Away?

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SUMMARY

When to walk away?

This episode, "When to Walk Away: Recognizing the Signs of a Bad Relationship," focuses on helping individuals identify whether they are in a bad relationship and what actions to take. The speaker, Muralidharan Jayaram, is a partner at Citrines and uses Neuro-linguistic programming (NLP) to help individuals get breakthrough results in their businesses and personal lives.

Muralidharan Jayaram shares that many of his clients are in bad relationships, causing them mental stress, and he follows the standard principle of not telling clients to stay or leave, but rather solving the problem by asking thought-provoking questions from different angles.

People often prolong or postpone making major decisions because of fear, such as the fear of being alone or fear of the unknown. However, staying in a toxic relationship can lead to physical and mental health issues, depression, anxiety, and regret later in life.

Muralidharan Jayaram stresses that children should not be used as an excuse to stay in a bad relationship and provides provocative questions to help individuals take action. The speaker advises people to consider whether they are being abused by their partner and to leave immediately if they are.

He notes that one in three women worldwide experiences abuse and that 80,000 women died from abuse in 2021, with 58% of these women and girls being killed by an intimate partner or close family member. Muralidharan Jayaram emphasizes that individuals' happiness and safety are the top priorities, and they should take action to protect themselves.

Next, he talks about how people stay in bad relationships because of fear. There are two main fears that hold people back - fear of being alone and fear of the unknown. But Muralidharan Jayaram stresses that it's not a smart idea to do nothing because a toxic relationship can take a toll on one's physical and mental health, leading to depression and anxiety.

He also mentions that many people use their children as an excuse for not leaving a bad relationship. However, children should never be used as an excuse to stay in a marriage. If the relationship has gone bad and there is no hope of making it right, it's better to take action and leave. Otherwise, as the children grow up and leave, one will be left with a person they are unhappy with, leading to a life filled with misery, pain, and suffering.

Muralidharan Jayaram then takes listeners through a series of thought-provoking questions, including non-negotiable, juggler, and heavy-hitting questions. He encourages listeners to consider these questions carefully and to share the video with anyone they know who might be in a bad relationship.

Finally, Muralidharan Jayaram emphasizes that one's happiness and safety are the number one priorities. If someone is experiencing any form of abuse, whether it's physical, sexual, mental, emotional, financial, verbal, stalking, or isolation, they should leave the relationship immediately.

Overall, Muralidharan Jayaram provides valuable insight and advice on recognizing the signs of a bad relationship and when to walk away. He encourages listeners to take action and make informed decisions that are beneficial for themselves, their partners, and any children involved. There are several more questions he asks in the episode.

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Full Transcript of this Episode:

"hey there my name is Muralidharan Jayaram and I'm a partner at Citrines I love helping business owners entrepreneurs leaders and sales professionals get breakthrough results in their businesses as well as in their personal lives. I truly believe that all it takes is that one breakthrough to make a huge difference and I help my clients get those breakthroughs using Cutting Edge Technologies like Neuro Linguistic Programming.

Now this episode I'm recording today is a tough one, but I decided to go ahead and do it anyway. Let me ask you a question are you struggling in a relationship? Are you in a bad relationship? Are you in a relationship that's making you wonder and debate in your mind whether to stay with that person or leave? Do you have this constant tug-of-war going on inside you, causing a lot of mental stress? Do you stare at your partner, have sleepless nights wondering whether you should stay with him or leave the next morning, and when the next morning comes again you decide to stay back, this debate goes on and on and on and on and it has been going on this a lot of time probably weeks, probably months, probably even years?

In my Consulting and therapy practice, I see clients day in and day out and many of these clients are in the same boat. They are in bad relationships and they are totally confused about whether they should stay in that relationship or get out which is causing a lot of stress.

The standard principle, I follow in guiding these clients is, I never ask them to stay in the relationship or get out of it. However, I push them hard to solve the problem - either correct it, go for a couple therapy and resolve the issues and live happily, or call it quits and get out. But solve the problem I help them do this by asking very, very thought-provoking questions from different angles so that they can take informed decisions, which is beneficial not only for themselves but also for their partner and if children are involved the children too.

But let me ask you, how do people actually handle these tough situations? Majority of them, majority of them brush it under the carpet and that is sad. They live in this comfort zone of discomfort and carry on. It's like a façade - when you look from the outside - a beautiful family, good husband, good job, good salary, good wife, good job, good salary, happy children, looks beautiful from the outside, but when you actually go inside and have a look it is sad at least one person is totally disgruntled and is having that debate to stay or not stay.

Now, why do people prolong, or postpone these kinds of major decisions? It's because they are afraid. There are two kinds of fear - one is the fear that if they leave they'll become alone for the rest of their lives, but it's actually not true. The second fear is the fear of the unknown and some of these people have both these fears working together and that is why they tolerate this comfort zone of discomfort.

But let me tell you it's not a smart idea to do nothing. A toxic relationship will take its toll, on your physical health, on mental health, it can drive you to depression, and anxiety, and it can cause you to create mistakes in your life which you'll regret later.

Many people give children an excuse for not walking out of a person who's creating a lot of trouble for them. Children should never be used as an excuse to stay in the marriage. You got married, at that time you did not have children, you have children now, but the relationship has gone bad, and there is no hope of making it right, as of now and you're having that debate in your mind, and then if you continue in that relationship, children will grow up and go away, then you're left with this person, and as you grow older when you look back at the life you just see misery, pain, and suffering that's not the kind of life you want to live.

So you have to take action! You have to take an action, all right, now!

I usually take people through a lot of provocative questions. I can't go through all those questions with you today, however, I will take some critical ones, the non-negotiable ones, the juggler ones, and the heavy hitters that you need to deal with which are urgent and important. Okay, so if you are in a bad relationship then these questions are very, very important for you or if you know anybody in a bad relationship then these questions are important for them. Please share this video with them, okay?

Let's get started - I want you to close your eyes and consider this question, carefully okay, let's get started, are you being abused by your partner, are you subjected to abuse? When I say abuse it's physical abuse, sexual abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse, financial abuse, verbal abuse, stalking, isolation, and so on. These are the various forms of abuse. Are you experiencing any of this abuse? I have only one straightforward piece o advice - leave right now, just leave.

Do you know the number of women who get abused globally? United Nations has released a report and it shows that one out of three women get abused globally. In 2021, 80 000 women died of abuse and 58% of them that's around roughly 47 to 48 000 women and girls died at the hands of their intimate partner or a close family member and that's really scary very scary.

So your happiness is the number one priority, and your safety is also the number one priority. So if you are getting abused, just leave, just close your eyes and leave, not in five years, not in a year, not in six months, not in a few weeks, now, in a few days, plan it carefully, take the support of your friends, your colleagues, your family members, your parents, and even police if that's needed and just leave. Okay just leave, remember there are about seven billion people on this planet, and you don't have to be stuck with this jerk who's abusing you

There's an exception to the truth, if the abuse was only once and the person has stopped, after apologizing to you, and has never done it after that then that person needs to be given a chance. Every person is allowed to do one mistake, but if the abuse has happened the second time, done, you're done for, bye-bye, goodbye, Sayonara, pack your bags, and just leave. right?

Question number two - is your partner making it very difficult for you to meet your needs and your wants? Is your partner putting all kinds of obstacles in front of you, to even get your smallest needs met - like you want to go and meet your parents, no, you want to take your children to movies, no, you want to watch the television, no, you want to go out for a dinner, no, you want to go out with your friends, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely no respect for your wants or needs then, people in these situations when they'll have left the partner they have had a good life. It's a good idea to consider leaving. Okay?

let's go to the Third third question. Are you getting humiliated day in and day out? Is the person abusing you, humiliating you, in front of your children, in front of your in-laws, in front of your parents, in front of your friends, in front of your colleagues, he just not bothered by how hurtful it will be for you. It just keeps going on and on and on humiliating. you belittling you, making you feel that you're a total idiot, and an absolutely worthless piece of you know what, then it's time to leave.

You deserve to be a person who has a partner who respects you. If you continuously go through humiliation, it will begin to impact your self-esteem and it will drive you to depression, frustration, anxiety, and so on.

Every day can become a day of torture and you can't live a life like this, and can you just imagine the kind of environment you're providing for your children? if you have children. the kind of role model for the children of how to treat women’ Okay, I am kind of biased towards women because that's where the majority of the problem is, it can be relevant to men too, the wife kind of abusing the husband.

It can be either way but whichever way it is this situation should not be tolerated. You have to take a solution of deciding to leave. Okay? People who have left have had a good life. All right another thing is you're invisible, to that person, your needs don't matter, your wants don't matter, that person doesn't even see that you are existing in the same space, even though you're living together as husband and wife. He has absolutely no regard for you, doesn't care whether you are happy, whether you're sad, whether you are healthy, whether you are sick. Absolute zero interest in you. That person is concerned only with himself, in that case, also you have to seriously think to leave the relationship.

Now, here's a fourth question - are you living with a liar? Have you come to the point where you cannot trust your partner anymore? He lies for small things, as well as big things, everything he speaks, he speaks only lies, just lies, one lie after the other, when he gets caught and when you catch him lying, he kind of apologizes, and says sorry, I will not do it again, but then continue to do it. Remember if you are living with a liar, you are living a life of a big lie.

It's like living in a house built of cards it's a pure façade. You have to get out of this relationship. It's not for you, okay? You cannot put up with Liars. That person does not have any respect for you.

Now here's the fifth question - the final one, there are many more questions but I thought these five questions were addressing the jugular issues. How about communication? How well are you communicating with your partner? Are you allowed to communicate? Is your partner blocking every communication you try to have with him, whether the issue is a small issue or whether it's a big issue, he just doesn't want to listen to you, he just brushes off every attempt of yours to communicate. You can't live in a relationship where there is no communication. Communication is the life breath of a relationship, okay? You can't go along with this person, if there is zero communication, because life throws problems at you, life throws problems with regards to your health, with regards to your need to change your career, to go for a job, there are issues of children coming up which you need to discuss, but this person blocks you every step of the way. No communication, then it's time to leave. It's not a relationship worth saving.

Well, these are the questions, if you answered yes to any of these questions, then it's time to get help, don't do it alone, get professional help, you learn to think through these questions, and many other questions carefully, so that you can take an informed decision.

The problem is that most people wait for that last straw on the camel's back. The last straw could be cheating, could be uh physical abuse, or final physical abuse, mistreating the parents, or whatever, whatever, though that last straw means to you. If you wait for the last straw there will be an emotional outburst inside you and then you will take a very instant decision to leave and you'll not be ready for that. It can be very disruptive not only for yourself but for your children, for your partner himself, and it's a major life decision, you cannot just leave based on an emotional outburst, you have to leave only after you have looked at it as a problem and tried to find a solution - there are two options - one is you and your partner come to a therapist and the therapist leads you to resolve the issues between you and puts you on a path to a good healthy loving relationship, or the therapist guides you through a certain process and helps you to take an informed decision of leaving the partner. Okay, and moving on both ways you need to be supported because there are a lot of negative emotions that will get stored inside your body, as a Master Practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic programming, I have erased these negative emotions in so many of my clients who have gone through these kinds of um negative experiences. Okay? So either way get help but do not, but do not put everything under the carpet and believe that nothing's wrong. It is wrong. You have to take action!

Let me conclude by giving you this analogy. Your relationship is like that beautiful Club House in your house - Every day you go out in the world and battle the world you, come back with wounds, emotional, or stress, or anger, or frustration, whatever, then you come back to this relationship, which is a clubhouse, this is where you relax, this is where you get reassurance, this is where you recharge your batteries, this is where you heal your wounds, and this is where you get that big warm hug, the beautiful loving hug, from your soulmate, which will make many of your stress and strain disappear.

If your soulmate, soulmate is not able to give you that then he is not your soulmate! You need to seriously think of leaving and remember, again, I would like to remind you, if you are getting abused, please leave.

You owe nothing to that person, in terms of loyalty, or in terms of the kind of fulfilling your marriage vows, nothing. If the person is abusing you, you leave. Okay? Please take my words very carefully, think through them, and then take a decision.

Well if you are having a happy married life, congratulations, congratulations. You are blessed, but at the same time, you will definitely have your friends or colleagues who are going through this kind of a mess. Please share this video. So, until next time…